I can remember when I was watching a scary movie in my second foster home. Along with the other kids. While they were obviously scared, I just sat there, eating my popcorn and occasionally being grossed-out when, well, the movie was doing the gross-out. You know, the occasional severed body-part or something like that suddenly popped up on the screen. I can remember it was a movie about ghosts, but can’t remember what it was called. Anyway, all three kinds of horror were in it: The Gross-out, Horror and Terror. But I thought it wasn’t that scary and have watched better ones.
After the movie, all the other kids (well, teens…) were talking about the movie and how scary ghosts are. I didn’t get this. I never got this. Ghosts to me aren’t real. Not that kind of ghosts. The ghost of myself, however, I find terrifying. As well as humanities ghost. You know, the real ghosts creeping in the woods at night. The ghosts in the white vans with the shady windows. Now, what do I mean exactly, by those ghosts? Well, I’ll try to explain as best as possible…
Unlike movie-ghosts, whom’s reality is still being discussed, humanity’s ghost is real. They live in our unconsciousness, most of the time. And sometimes it creeps into our consciousness. While this ghost slips into our consciousness, we ourselves mostly aren’t really aware of it. We often don’t notice this process, until it’s actually to late. While we think everything is just how it’s supposed to be, it’s digesting our sanity. When we do start to notice the ghost, it has done a lot of damage already.
Can’t you see? Friends disappearing out of your life, family members you suddenly don’t see anymore, as if the ghost scared them away, even worse, killed them. You suddenly are much more isolated than before, while the ghost remains. In some cases, it will invite other ghosts. It becomes crowded. Very crowded. But one thing you won’t realise, is that this or these ghosts, are actually part of you. A part that has been calling out to you for a long time, but has been ignored for much longer. It wanted to warn you at first but now it has taken you over. It has scared away important people in your life and even made you ‘deal’ with some people, maybe some you loved once. But this kind of dealing with people doesn’t always happen. It all depends on the nature of the ghost, you’re nature.
Many things can summon this ghost into you consciousness. Maybe your parents helped it. Why? Oh, so many answers can be given to this one. My mother helped my ghost a lot, but I now understand that she couldn’t really help it, being chased by her own ghosts at the time. She had a lot of them, she once told me.
Another calling might take place because of happenstances. Or by choices you make that backfire on you. Most dangerous is when people close themselves off for feelings that show the presence of the ghost. No, haha, I’m not talking about crackling noises in your old house, or a door that opens by itself (well, maybe, you left it open yourself in the first place and the wind just opened it further, but would people rather look for something else than the obvious now, wouldn’t they?) I’m talking about feelings of dread, anger, fear, sadness… They are there, they are within you, calling for your attention. But you probably ignore them, as it’s much nicer to feel happy. Too bad feelings aren’t something you can change. You can run away and hide from them though.
And that’s what you do. You run away from them by watching tv, maybe some gaming or excessively browsing the web about what else might be causing these feelings. All to not embrace the ghost’s messages sent to you. You see, you rather look for a bigger reason of why the door just opened further by itself. Even though it’s right there: You left it on a crack and now a draught opened it a bit further. You rather think someone or something else did it, instead of reflecting about it and maybe finding that actually, it’s because of… you. Damnit, you’re even ignoring that there was a draught, to make it easier to believe that it couldn’t have been some wind! You rather look for some stimuli outside of consequences you’ve created yourself. ‘Something else’ may be, no, must be the cause of the opening door. ‘Something else’, made the ghost scream in your head. Looking for your sanity you have driven away by ignoring it for so long. Leaving you insane.
No, you like to run into self-help books and programs. You run into positivity training, desperately learning how to smile, while actually you’re learning how to cover up your ghost’s calls even more. You listen to William Pharrell’s “Happy” over and over again, because it will make you happy sooner or later, won’t it? The cause of all of it sure has to come from outside so it only makes sense for you, to look for a remedy outside of yourself, doesn’t it? Because it was a real ghost that opened that door a bit more, wasn’t it?
As time passes, the ghost becomes much harder to ignore. It’s loud, very loud. It screams about things you feel familiar with. It seems to shout and scream about things you once knew, but told yourself not to be part of. You have distanced yourself from it, and with it, from your ghost as well. But your ghost is tired of being ignored. It’s breaking through. You can’t stop it now, with anything! No positivity speech can bury its voice now. Hah, it starts to laugh at you for even trying anymore.
It laughs because you’re being a coward. No, the ghosts says. Not because of the outside world. You’re not afraid of the others. You’re a coward towards yourself! And a huge one! How could you have been running away from me all this time? I was here all along and tried to help you! I yelled out for you but you just… you just went with nonsense. Now that I finally have your attention, you want to run away from me? Are you for real? Yes, I am angry. At you. Because you let me get angry with you. Well, I’m actually furious. You can’t really ignore the feeling of fear now, can’t you? Haha!
Oh? Is it too much? Too much fear? Well, by ignoring me you became dysfunctional. Fake and inauthentic. And it has made me dysfunctional as well. But you will pay for it. I will keep creeping now. But this time, it’s not because I want to help you. No, it’s because I want to haunt you. I will haunt you for ignoring me over all these years. I can’t help you anymore but I will be here to taunt you. And you can’t run away, you know. I will talk to you and make you do what you did to me. Deal with your neighbour, come on! She has driven you out of your house. I was giving you advice but you acted as if I wasn’t here for you. So, now deal with her yourself! I don’t care how you do it. But I will taunt you into doing something. Come on. She ruined you, do something about it! You pussy! COME ON! It’s her fault, isn’t it? DO IT! DO IT! DO… IT!
Ahaha, isn’t the sight beautiful? I think it’s beautiful. Yes, kindly let out that sigh of relieve. Painful relieve. You see that? You see your neighbour lying there? Embrace that sight. I have been trying to show you this for so long but I guess you actually have to see it before you’d finally get what was going on.
The relieve isn’t really permanent, is it? Maybe you shouldn’t have made me build all this need for relieve inside of you. You should run now. Now others will look for you. No, it’s not their fault. You made them look for you. And I will stay with you, only to make it much harder for you to get away. I will keep taunting you, forever. There is nothing you can do anymore and you have broken me so I refuse to help you. I guess, now is the time to look for some outside help. Or not! I don’t care and you don’t know to cope yourself, since you didn’t give me a chance to show you. The only thing you know is how to fully escape. I detest this escape route, just so you know. But I do encourage you, because you have failed. You have failed me and thus failed yourself. I know you want it, you want to escape so bad… And because I know you want it, I’m only rooting for you to do so. Come on, do it. You’ve only run so far. You have to decide quickly. Come on! The others are almost catching up with you, can’t you hear the sirens? Come on! You know you want it! Do it. Do it, DO IT! Yes! Finally! You finally did something good! Now just wait, wait for yourself to hit the curb. Just wait for the lights to go out… for ever.